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Some sentiments are just better kept under 240 characters.
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Some sentiments are just better kept under 240 characters.
Just found out Gen Z kids are calling the 90s “the late 1900s” and I feel like I just drank from the wrong grail in Indiana Jones
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) August 19, 2022
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) April 27, 2015
Called a kid “sport” today and my cargo shorts grew two additional pockets
— The Dad (@thedad) August 9, 2019
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) April 16, 2019
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
6yo: I’m done, can I have ice cream?
— The Dad (@thedad) November 1, 2022
Me: Not until you’ve eaten all your food.
6yo: But I’m full
Me: If you’re full, you don’t need ice cream
6yo: My stomach is full of food but ice cream will fill in all the cracks
Me:
6yo:
Me: I don’t know enough science to dispute that
Son: Dad, are we gonna get killed by an asteroid like the dinosaurs?
— The Dad (@thedad) August 12, 2019
Me: Probably not, bud.
Son: That’s probably what the dinosaurs thought too.
Me:
Son: [walks away]
Me: ʰᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I don’t trust anyone who buys pre-cracked pistachios. Nothing builds character and integrity like making your fingernails bleed for a single morsel of food
— The Dad (@thedad) January 11, 2020
gonna start carrying around little heart stickers to physically stick on people when I want them to know I’m done with our conversation but don’t want to be rude, just like I do via text
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) October 30, 2022
Willy Wonka is my favorite story about children who have very normal adolescent character flaws and get murdered for them
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) July 12, 2022
No one tells you you're old. You have to come to the realization yourself while reading Amazon reviews for light bulbs
— The Dad (@thedad) June 17, 2019
Friendly reminder that a James Bond movie didn’t come out in 2007, missing out on what was the most sure-fire marketing opportunity in history
— The Dad (@thedad) November 23, 2019
Just once, I'd like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) March 22, 2015
Being alive during this modern era is great. Robots are creating artistic soulless versions of people, I spend half my paycheck on rent and the other half on 4 blueberries, and I’m addicted to a little pocket computer than makes me sad everyday. Fantastic.
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) December 10, 2022
Watch out, ladies. When you visit family over the holidays, there will be charming, flannel-wearing men who never left your hometown who will attempt to charm you into quitting your high-paying city job and rope you into a boring, traditional suburban relationship. STAY VIGILANT.
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) November 6, 2022
I agreed with my wife that we're NOT getting each other anything for Valentine's Day so does anyone have any good gift suggestions?
— The Dad (@thedad) February 7, 2020
Son, brushing teeth: Daddy, why don’t we have to brush our other bones?
— The Dad (@thedad) January 29, 2020
Me: Because they’re inside of us and don’t need it like your teeth do.
Son: I want to brush my bones.
Me:
Son: I want to brush my bones, dad.
Me: Please... please stop saying that
Kid: Daddy, how did Clifford the Big Red Dog get so big?
— The Dad (@thedad) January 4, 2020
Me: Because his owner loved him so much.
Kid: [under breath] more likely due to a malfunctioning pituitary gland...
Me: What?
Kid: What?
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) December 12, 2019
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Son: dad there’s a monster in my room, can I sleep in here?
— The Dad (@thedad) May 2, 2018
Me: look it’s you he’s after, why make him my problem too?
I don’t need to be rich. I just want enough money that I don’t automatically filter “lowest to highest price”
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) September 27, 2022
Me: I’m much more confident now that I’m in my 30s.
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) February 12, 2021
Also me: Oh no, that’s definitely too many exclamation points for a work email. [deletes] Oh no, NOW they’re going to think I’m mad at them. [adds them back] OH NO